It's summer in the global north (which is winter in the global south), and for the month of August Literatur.Review is bringing them all together, publishing previously untranslated or unpublished stories from the north and south of our world.

Igor Angjelkov (*1974) is a North Macedonian writer, publisher, director and cultural journalist from Skopje.

Goran was head over heels in love. Only a few friends knew about his secret, two at most. They were allies, willing to do anything they could to make his dream come true, to help him find some kind of positive sign. Every morning he woke up thinking about her, beautiful blue-eyed Mia with her clear gaze and beautiful smile. Many girls in his class were in love with Goran, but Goran was in love with Mia, from the other class. 
Goran had a five-speed bicycle that he adored. (As a child, he'd had a pony that he had learned to ride on. Since then, he was of the opinion that transportation on two wheels was mankind's most ingenious invention ever). The new bike further fuelled his enthusiasm for cycling. The saddle was low and the frame, painted red and black, looked supersonic. He was the only one in the neighbourhood who owned such a model. Goran had chosen accessories that made it stand out even more from the other bikes. The reflectors, two on each wheel, were discreet and unobtrusive. The front light, for riding at night, was round and not square like on the other bikes. The best thing of all was an extra-loud horn with different tones that clamped onto the handlebars. You could also use it as a walkie-talkie, connected via a cable. If a neighbour's child got in his way, he would honk the horn and have fun causing a bit of a fright. 
The bike was also his most powerful tool for winning Mia's heart. She lived not far away, in the next street, and every day Goran rode back and forth past her gate, hoping to see her and strike up a conversation. But that never happened. Days, weeks and seasons came and went, and Goran was still madly in love. 
At school, Goran and Mia regularly bumped into each other in the corridor as they left their classrooms. They chatted, gave each other high-fives, and Goran's hopes would rise. He tried not to let it show, remaining calm and laid back despite the butterflies in his stomach. But in the afternoons when class was finished, he turned into a love-struck teenager desperately hoping for his love to be reciprocated. "True love can only happen outside school," he believed - the decision to have a relationship had to be made in private and not at school, where they were caught up in their lessons and had so little free time.
It was the same on school trips. During day trips, which flew by, Goran made the most of every opportunity to be near Mia. He took part in card games, volleyball, handball and so on. On a residential trip in the last year of primary school, he even managed to kiss Mia on the cheek when they were playing "love photo", late into the night. Then he went to sleep happily and spent the whole night dreaming that he and Mia were floating above the sea in balloons.
Goran was, in fact, a particularly shy boy, for all his efforts to appear cool. When he blushed, you could see it from afar. Mostly, his blushes would quickly fade, except when Mia was around. Goran noticed that she set the tone in their group of friends, which just made him love her even more. She was so cool that she could even talk to the much older boys, whether it was small talk or proper conversations. He could only do that when he had familiar people around him; then he could relax. When he visited relatives or friends with his parents, he never left his mother's skirt. Unbelievable. He imagined his shyness magically disappearing into thin air and encouraged himself to take the first step, to ask Mia if they could become a couple. He would often imagine this in detail, with every possible variation. But his shyness, though well hidden, paralysed him into his teens. 
When he became aware that other boys were starting to court Mia, he couldn't take it any longer. He decided to do something about it. A classmate, an ally of his, seemed the ideal person to help as she also got on well with Mia. He discussed everything with Goca and she promised to ask Mia that very evening if she wanted to be his girlfriend. But Goran suspected that something wasn't quite right. That night, he couldn't sleep, tossing and turning in bed; he would get the answer first lesson.
The next morning he got up, washed in the cold bathroom, drank milk with a spoonful of "Krash Express" chocolate powder and set off for school. He hoped to meet Goca on the way, to get the long-awaited answer as soon as possible, but his accomplice was nowhere to be seen. His classmates filed into the classroom, were already in their seats; the teacher also arrived, but there was still no sign of Goca. She arrived a few minutes later, apologised and sat down in a row of benches parallel to Goran's. He tried to catch her eye but she dug the textbook and exercise book she needed for the lesson out of her bag before looking up at him. He made a questioning face. She raised her hand, stretched out her index finger and waved it back and forth. The unmistakeable sign for "NO". Goran put his head down on the table, dejected. Even when the class teacher asked him to sit up straight, he only raised it briefly. Only when the bell rang did he slowly straighten up. 
"What did she say?" he asked. "Well, Mia said you could be a couple, but later, not now," Goca replied. "When later?" he asked. "I don't know, she just said later. Maybe in a few months, a year, two...". She didn't want to hurt him, she wanted to give him hope. Hope that maybe Mia was thinking about him too, just as he thought only about her day after day. But what kind of answer is that, Goran thought. "Later." When we're old!" he wanted to shout, but he couldn't embarrass himself like that. His friend had done enough and he thanked her for her help. The truth was, Goca loved Goran, but he had no idea and she kept her feelings cleverly hidden.
Goran was at a crossroads and wondered where he should go from now. He had asked Mia... Well, not directly, but through an intermediary - better than nothing. Maybe now he should scrape together his courage again. After all, he already knew that they might become a couple later, so that was a good sign. Maybe even encouragement enough to ask her out himself. 
It was going to be a tricky moment. Very different from before. When he looked at Mia, she seemed to ignore him. Maybe she even went out of her way to avoid their eyes meeting. He still rode his red and black bike past her house, hoping that she would be at the gate to talk to him and invite him into her room, which he knew in detail from Goca's descriptions. As that invitation never materialised, he came up with a new fantasy. 
"Hey guys, how do you fall out of love?" he asked during one of the long breaks. The boys laughed, but some girls began to discuss his question seriously. Goran couldn't follow them, so he decided to take things slowly. To crush and smother his great love and never let it return to his head, stomach or heart. 'It will work', he encouraged himself. 'It will be hard, but there is no other way out'. Mia had postponed their happiness together to a distant future, which  left him with a glimmer of hope. But he wanted to experience it sooner. Right now, when his love was hot and deep, no matter how pathetic that sounded. But things never go the way we want them to.
Goran went out less and less often, his room becoming his only refuge. He could hardly wait until the school year was over and he could move to another school where he would meet children from other parts of the city and forget about Mia. That was his goal and he was getting closer to it every day. He spent his free time drawing, writing, reading and gardening. His parents were delighted with the well-tended lawn and swathes of colourful flowers. Another, even better pastime than mowing the lawn was, of course, watching movies. One day Goran woke up and no longer felt the stomach cramps that had plagued him. He felt confident and invulnerable, as if life experience had made him mature and strong. 
Then something happened that shocked everyone. It was like a bolt from the blue. His older sister's boyfriend died. Both families mourned, his sister withdrew, everything around him became heavy and black. Goran didn't want any new pain after he had just overcome his last one. But that's life, cruel and unpredictable, he told himself. 
"I want you to write the obituary," his sister asked. "You can do it better than me, I've been reading your notebooks in secret, I'm sorry," she sobbed tearfully, "but you write really well, so I'm asking you as my brother to write a few sentences for me." Goran was torn. This was a violation of the unwritten rule between them that he had always observed: not to rummage through each other's personal belongings. But now was not the time for reproaches. The death of her boyfriend had hit his sister hard; they had been together for three or four years. He promised to write something that afternoon.
He shut himself away in his own world and thought about what he should write. It was really unfair that his sister should ask him to do such a thing. Surely she was the best person to find the last words for her beloved, gone so early. But he didn't want to be petty, and set about this task for his sister. And then it came to him; he realised that he could just let his own feelings flow and write an obituary for his first love. He was still shy, but the experience of overcoming this love had matured him. He was able to show his feelings without embarrassment. Spurred on, he sat down at his desk, took pen and paper and wrote. As his sister read the words, she began to sob - Goran had thought she'd already shed all her tears, but this could only mean one thing: His sentences fitted both situations perfectly. Bull's eye! 
The funeral was a sad occasion; everyone who could attend had done, including Mia. During the priest's eulogy, their eyes met, but Goran looked away and put on his sunglasses. Now he could look at Mia for as long as he wanted and found that the sight left him indifferent. He had fallen out of love... His pain had vanished, he was free. 
The next morning he bought two copies of the daily newspaper from the newsstand, one for his parents, who had also been hit hard by the death, and the other for himself. After school that afternoon, he took a pair of scissors, cut out the obituary and hung it above his bed as a reminder of a time when he had experienced his first great love. 
Many years later, Goran entered a store in a shopping centre. He experienced a jolt of recognition when he saw the sales girl; she reminded him of someone. Ah, yes, that was my first great love, he thought, and for a moment he felt that old unease, the shyness that, even though so long gone, seemed to be hidden deep inside him, just waiting to shoot to the surface for a moment. 
"Hey Goran, hello, long time no see," Mia greeted him with surprise and familiarity, just like fifteen or twenty years ago when they were still children. She was as attractive as ever, with her blue eyes that seemed to see right through him. Granted, her thighs had widened and her bottom hung lower, but she still looked good. Goran smiled and walked towards her. On his way over, he shook off the feeling that had briefly overcome him, let it fall to the floor and shatter into a thousand pieces, because it was no longer his. They chatted about everyday life, old times, typical topics that come up in a ten-minute conversation between people who haven't seen each other for a long time and to whom a lot has happened in the meantime. At the end, they said goodbye, planning to meet again soon and perhaps go for a coffee.
Goran left the store slightly riled, although kept his feelings hidden from his first love. The irritation quickly turned to bitterness with every step he took, growing stronger and stronger. Goran realised what kind of person he was. He had been in relationships for most of the past few years, but nothing had really lasted. Sometimes they had tried again after breaking up, but after the first or second meeting, he couldn't see any point and ended the contact. His friends meanwhile continued to meet up with their "exes", sometimes even falling in love again. He suddenly understood who he was and how he behaved towards other people. He was unsure whether this was good or bad, whether he had become someone with petty principles who had withdrawn from the real world, but that was how he felt inside. "Is there anything wrong with that?" Goran asked himself as he walked across the square and the sky darkened above him. "I just want to protect myself". 
Sometimes he imagined what kind of life he would have led if he had got together with Mia... or with Suzanne... or with Beatrice... ah, Beatrice... or with Saga... or Fanny... He'd given himself to all of them, he loved them all so much - he couldn't help it, he had to commit himself completely to the relationship, without excuses, without prejudices. Of course, they had also committed themselves, but never as uncompromisingly as he had. That's why Goran could no longer meet them. For him, the past was the past. There was no going back. It was what he had felt after the end of his first great love, and the principle had stuck with him ever since. Whether that was right - who knows? But he was perfectly within his rights to feel like this.
While this was going through his mind, Goran reached his new ten-speed bike, which he had bought at the flea market. He unlocked the chain and got on. Just as he stepped on the old, squeaky pedals, a torrential downpour turned the city into a floundering ship.

About the translator

Ksenija Chochkova is a cultural manager, translator and curator whose work focuses on intercultural exchange processes; among other things, she was co-founder and co-director of the CK Cultural Centre in Skopje, Macedonia, a Robert Bosch Stiftung scholarship holder at the E-Werk Socio-Cultural Centre in Freiburg and a fellow of the German Federal Cultural Foundation at the Staatliche Kunsthalle Baden-Baden. 

This short story is from the short story collection "Double Exposure", published in 2022 by ILI-IL, Skopje, North Macedonia.